happy halloween

I'm no Anne Geddes, but Cole's first Halloween photos did turn out pretty well. The crying was just Cole getting into character as a roaring lion.

...and now for the not-so-good stuff

First off, I consider myself extremely lucky to have been blessed with a happy, healthy baby. I also realize that I am fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband and doctors that I trust and genuinely like. So...I'm determined not to let the challenges that have been thrown my way distract or overshadow the incredible joy of this time.

That said, it turns out that headache I had before labor was significant. It was the first signs of Bell's palsy, a generally temporary form of facial paralysis caused by inflammation and swelling that surrounds a major nerve in my neck. It can take anywhere from a few weeks to several months to recover. In rare cases, it's permanent.

During labor, I was too preoccupied to pay attention to the pain in my neck, but after Cole was born, I noticed I was having trouble eating on the left side of my mouth. After 19 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with a clenched face, I blamed it on exhaustion.

In the morning, I realized the left side of my face was paralyzed and droopy. I couldn't blink my left eye. A neurologist examined me and ordered an MRI. In order to confirm the diagnosis, it's necessary to rule out scary scenarios like a stroke or brain tumors. The MRI was an interesting experience. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle the enclosed space, and claustrophobia and anxiety are common problems with the test. The mechanism and scans are so loud, I was given ear plugs. I put my deep yoga breathing to work, kept my eyes shut, and thought about Cole. "Wind" is blown through the tunnel which helped me to imagine myself in a larger space. I chose to picture Tony, Cole and I at the Boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. It was a breezy day, and every sound of the scan became the sound of the little train that circles the pavillion or the "laser guns" on the rocket ship ride. During the most intense and final scan, I was playing for the high score on Centipede and the bugs were dropping at super speed. I came through the test well, and the results confirmed the palsy which was a relief.

There isn't much that can be done to treat Bell's palsy. It just takes time. Steroids are sometimes effective, and so I'm taking a short course to try to reduce the swelling. It's relatively safe to take while breastfeeding, but I have to space out the doses creatively around Cole's nursing schedule. I took my last pill today, but I haven't had any improvement. Waiting is now the only option. I'm really hoping to recover by Christmas.

While the palsy can't be treated, the symptoms must be. I have to put drops and ointment in my eye to keep it from drying out, and wear a patch at night. I can only drink with the help of a straw, and eating is not a pretty sight. I have about the same amount of facial muscle control as my son. I hope to recover before he passes me up. The muscles that do work in my face tire quickly which make it hard to talk for very long, so Tony's been my spokesperson on the phone. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, but it's hard when I literally cannot smile. I know if it weren't for the palsy, I'd have a permanent grin right now.

Tony's smiles make up for the lack of mine. He's on cloud nine, and has been more than happy to field the phone calls and repeat the birth story over and over. He's been my chauffeur and errand boy, and that's been an enormous help. As I've said before, I'm very lucky...but I'm anxious to share my first smile with my son.

birth story...the long version

Little did I know that a few hours after my 10.15.03 post that labor was looming. Around 7pm, I developed a headache on the left side with a needling pain behind my ear and into my neck and jaw. Not fun. So I decided to skip dinner and lay down for a while and try to sleep through it. The pain was too sharp to ignore, but the dark room was at least soothing.

After midnight Tony joined me in bed and quickly fell asleep. Tony, a.k.a. Captain Slumber, has the super power of super sleep. He can reach full REM in five minutes. I hope our son inherits this. At 12:40, I felt my first contraction. I didn't get too excited because I knew it doesn't really mean anything unless they continue steadily. I made a mental note to tell the doctor about the contraction and continued to try to fall asleep...I was almost successful when the second contraction hit. Again I ignored it, but after the fourth one, I was more attentive.

I sat up in bed and started to time them. They were consistently 7 minutes apart...then 5 minutes... Tony woke up and I told him to go back to sleep, and in his groggy sleep state, he listened, but a few minutes later he sat up again, aware that I was keeping something from him. As soon as I said the word contraction, he was alert and in full labor coach mode.

The doctors had told me to call them if my water broke or if I had contractions 5 minutes apart for at least one hour. Well, they were 5 minutes apart, now we needed to see if they were going to last. After 3 or 4 contractions, they were suddenly 2-3 minutes apart, and secretly, I began to get a little panicky. They weren't terribly painful, but they were definitely the real deal.

A little after 2am Tony called the Dr. Patel, and she said to go to the hospital. Tony was so excited, but I was too nervous and still had the headache to cope with too. I was in my ultra-calm, crisis management mode that's usually reserved for work deadlines and family emergencies.

Once at the hospital, I was hooked up on monitors to watch the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. It was confirmed that they were 2-3 minutes apart, but my internal exam showed no change in my cervix. I was still only 1.5 cm dialated. It was a busy night on the labor ward and the nurses didn't seem too happy about another patient. She encouraged me to go home and walk around and come back later...I was not easily swayed. She called my doctor who decided I would stay.

The contractions became stronger but remained 2-3 minutes apart all morning. I did my best to breathe through them, but by 5am I was having trouble managing the pain. At 6am, I whimpered for some relief, and the nurse was unsympathetic. My exam showed I was about 3 cm, and she thought it was too soon for pain medication. Dr. Patel and a new nurse arrived at 7am and an epidural was ordered for me. My new nurse, Leslie was a great comfort for me and I am grateful that most of my labor was during her shift. Before she left for her office hours, my doctor broke my water. It was a strange sensation, but not at all painful.

I was surprised I needed the epidural as early as I did, but I was never looking to win the Ms. Natural Labor 2003 pageant. The idea of a needle in my spine was freaky, but the anesthesiologist talked me through the entire process and made it easier. Afterwards I could feel the contractions but only slightly, and I had more sensation in the right than the left, but it was still an enormous relief. I think the toughest part of the entire labor for me was the hour or so before the epidural. It was the only time I had serious doubts that I would be able to handle the delivery.

Contractions continued all day but the dilation went very slowly. On my doctor's orders, Leslie added pitocin to my IV. I was checked hourly for dilation and the pitocin was cranked up accordingly. By 4pm I was 7cm, 100% effaced BUT my cervix was not evenly dilated. In a final desperate attempt to delay his birth, Bean had taken refuge on my left side under my ribs. His leftward lean was so pronounced, it contorted the shape of my belly. The problem with this was that his weight was not evenly distributed on my cervix, so a crescent moon of the cervix remained on the right side. By changing my position we were able to coax him over enough to correct this, but it took some time.

At 6pm, we started to PUSH, and I really thought the Bean would be born before Leslie's shift ended. No such luck. I pushed as hard as I could for 3 hours. With the cheerleading of Tony, my doctor and my nurses, I managed to move the Bean down, but not out. He fought us to the end. Finally, Dr. Patel said she was going to give me some help. It looked like a dollar store toy, but the tiny suction cup vaccuum device did the trick. Coordinating my pushing, the doctor's pulling, and my contractions, the Bean was born at 8:49 pm, and my world changed.

Introducing Cole Henson Rozwadowski to this world!

Since Kelly is recovering beautifully after delivering a very healthy 8 lb. 2 oz., 20.5 inch boy, I am doing my fatherly duties and updating the blog :) He was born at 8:49 PM on 10/16/03. More news to come when Kelly comes home with Cole this weekend! Thanks for the love and support!!!

40 week appt

Today is my official due date. Apparently, no one has told the Bean because he is completely unprepared to be born. He hasn't packed his bags or forwarded his mail. He's in total denial.

I'm still only about 1 cm dilated. There's been no change at all, so we had a more in-depth discussion with the doctor about what will happen if I'm induced next week. I'll be admitted Tuesday night at 8pm and I'll be given a medication that "ripens" the cervix. In the morning, the doctor will check my condition and start the pitocin which promotes contractions. After that it's a waiting game ...something with which I've become very familiar.

rings and things

My wedding band hasn't fit for a while now, so I've been wearing it on a chain around my neck. While watching DVDs the other night, it occurred to me that I look like Frodo. The power of this ring though is to let people know that despite my youthful appearance, I am not a knocked up teenager.

I've always looked younger than my real age, and usually it's not a big deal. Sometimes it's even funny, but lately it's been a lot less amusing. People are unusually rude to pregnant women in general, making comments that they would never speak aloud to a non-pregnant person...regarding one's size, diet, or even ability to drive, walk, work, etc. The evil looks just add insult to injury.

I'll have the last laugh though when they're all lining up for their Botox!

Simple pleasures

Cooler weather is finally here, and my feet couldn't be happier. I managed to avoid swelling almost the entire pregnancy...until the end of August when they suddenly ballooned. I had often joked throughout the pregnancy that the only article of clothing that reliably fit were my socks, and for awhile I couldn't even count on them.

The worst of the swelling only lasted a few days, but enough remained that my sneakers became the only shoes in my limited wardrobe...until the weather broke.

Now with the changing leaves, my feet have returned to normal (almost), and while I won't even attempt to slip into my old jeans, I'm happy to at least have my shoes back.

39 week appt

I'm finally dilated...a little...1-2 cm. It turns out that the doctors were just humoring me with the fingertip/1 cm reading before. This was the first time the internal exam didn't hurt, and that's because of the changes to my body. It's not much progress, but it is progress.

The Bean has moved down a little, but he's still in a station 1 or 2 which means he's not "engaged" yet. I asked the doctor why I could still feel him up and under my ribs, and she said...He's probably tall! How on earth did 2 tiny people like Tony and I end up with a 8 lb., long baby?! I'm hoping the docs are overestimating.

Reality check

My body has reached cartoonish proportions, and my wardrobe is limited to about 4 outfits...one of which is packed in "the suitcase." While, there's no denying I'm pregnant, I'm finding it harder to believe that I'm really going to have a baby. After several weekly internal exams, and no physical signs of impending labor, it's almost easier to believe the Bean has decided not to be born, and to just live out a peaceful existence where he is.

And really, can you blame him?

38 week appt...really

At my rescheduled appointment today, everything was fine. Only trouble is, there has been absolutely no change at all...no signs of dilatation. The little guy is still nice and snug...and stubborn.

I'm shocked that it's October because it means he'll definitely be born this month...but at the same time, it doesn't seem like he's arriving any time soon.