i am so tired BUT

I could title every entry this way from now on. The most important word in that phrase is "BUT." I am tired, and my life is dramatically different, BUT the many roles I play besides mom must go on, and in reality, very few people really care that much if I'm tired, and it's not all that important. Ok, I know there are some people will take offense to that, and I don't mean it in a harsh or whiny way, so please don't add a false tone to that statement.

When I was still dealing with the palsy I was under the care of a great neurologist, one of the nicest doctors I've ever met. As I was leaving his office after he had stuck needles in my face to test nerves and muscles, we were talking about our plans for Thanksgiving. I told him about Cole's christening that was coming up and the celebration I had planned. Then he shared that his family was going to spend the holiday with close friends, one of whom was dying. I told him I was sorry to hear about his friend and how hard that must be to cope with especially during the holiday season, and he responded with calm and warmth, "This is life. Babies are baptized, people die, and life must go on." Such a simple statement, but I'm certain it's a way of looking at life that's been shaped by treating people with far more serious afflictions than Bell's palsy.

Life must go on. My lack of sleep means nothing to my clients or the IRS or telemarketers or to other drivers on the road. Work has to get done, the bills paid, the laundry washed, and the plants watered. I've come to realize that freshman year of college prepared me best for motherhood. Late nights in the computer lab are now late nights in my office. I learned to stretch my wardrobe in ways to minimize my laundry. Working on multiple projects prepared me for the many jobs I now juggle at once. Entertaining Cole on a daily basis requires as much creativity as any drawing assignment. There is one crucial difference though ... I'm now doing all of this without the benefit of caffeine.

I have much more to post. Cole continues to amaze me and is growing and changing right before my eyes. Cole's namesake, my freshman drawing professor taught me to appreciate the simple beauty of line, and I've recently picked up the old ebony pencil and sketchbook, and I want to post the results. I have so much more to share, but now it's finally time to sleep.

required reading

Christmas 1999 my mom gave me a book-a-day calendar. Each day offered a short review/description of a book. I have no idea how the selections were made because the calendar covered a large variety of topics and included recent publications and classics. Throughout the year I tucked away in a drawer the books that sounded most interesting either for me to read or to buy as a gift for friends. By November, I had most of my Christmas shopping done with the help of this handy little calendar.

For my friend Linda who was expecting her first child in December 2000, I bought Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year. At the time I didn't know if she was having a boy or girl, but based on the book's review, I thought she would enjoy it either way. As it turned out she did have a beautiful baby boy. I don't know if she enjoyed the book or ever even found time to read it...especially now that she has 2 boys!

When I found out I was going to have a boy, I remembered this book and picked up a copy, and I just finished it Saturday night. Needless to say, I don't have much time to read for pleasure. I had dusted off my paperback to bring along to a doctor's appointment last month. It was the first time ever that I enjoyed spending over an hour in the waiting room. Slowly I began to remember what it felt like to have totally "free time"...not "Cole's napping I've got 5 free minutes so what can I accomplish time"...but completely, utterly "free time." It was nice.

Saturday night after Cole fell asleep instead of going back to my office to work, I reached for my book and while I was tired, reading was more renewing than sleep. I finished the book and when my head hit the pillow I fell into a deep sleep almost instantly because I was so much more relaxed.

The book by the way is fantastic. It is the most honest text I have ever read. The author doesn't gloss over the ugly parts nor does she run away from sentimentality...she teeters in between and that's real life. You can bet I'll be buying more copies for pregnant friends in the future, and I'll be sure to give it to them before the baby is born so they might actually have time to read it.

happy valentine's day

Cole's first Valentine's Day was spent sleeping, playing, eating, and pooping. It was a good day. We took a trip out to the stores to redeem some gift certificates and Cole got some new duds. I also got a couple of new shirts with no spit-up stains because I have a business meeting this Wednesday with a new client. It's my first meeting since Cole was born, and the status of my wardrobe is still questionable.

I squeezed into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans last weekend, so I'm definitely making progress. I'm actually below my pre-preg weight now, but because I'm...ahem...shaped differently...my old clothes still don't fit quite right. To paint an even prettier picture of myself, I confess, my hair is also falling out at an alarming rate. You'd think once the baby's born that would be the end of the freakish body changes....but you'd be wrong. I'm afraid the weight I've lost is all hair! Someday, I'll be cute again. In the meantime, I'm happy to hide behind my cute baby. Speaking of which, check out Cole's Valentine photo shoot.

Cole and the gang

On Monday Cole had his first ever play date. Elaine and Mark brought Nina over in the afternoon so the babies could exchange valentines and we could exchange stories. It was the first time we held each other's babies because every other time we met someone was sick or sleeping.

Nina is a little jumping bean! She is so much lighter and more delicate than Cole, but she is strong and bouncy. Her favorite game is jumping. She does deep knee bends while you hold her and then jumps, and the girl can get some serious air. I was amazed by her energy.

Mark and Elaine could hardly believe how big Cole was, but it was his smile that really charmed them. He liked them a lot too and Mark had him giggling up a storm. It was a great afternoon, and I hope we can meet up again soon.

anniversary

Today the bean blog is one year old. At this time last year, I was staring at 2 pink lines and I was so scared I was literally shaking. Now I stare at Cole in disbelief. How could a tiny spark grow into this big bubbly baby in only one year? Cole greets me with a smile each morning and it surprises me and warms my heart every time. There is recognition and love in that smile of his, that smile that takes up his whole face...pure joy.

I bought an angel recently. I've been shopping for one for a while now. I wanted it as a small, personal memorial of the first Bean. The one I chose has a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt engraved in it. It says, " You must do the thing you think you cannot do." For me, that thing was letting go of fear, embracing my pregnancy, and daring to love the life inside me.

So much has changed in a year. Today I'll be tagging along for Annie's OB appointment. One year ago, she was scared and frustrated as she finally addressed her fertility problems. She began her search for answers, and now she's 5 months pregnant. One year ago we cried together as she confided in me about her medical troubles and I shared the news of my pregnancy and all of my concerns. We've come a long way, and I can't think of better way of celebrating the blog's anniversary than to be by her side.