Happy Holidays!

I've been busy with Cole, work, and preparing for the holidays and totally wore myself out, making myself susceptible to a nasty bug (maybe the flu?). But in brighter news, Cole played elf as I delivered goodies to a few clients last week. He was of course of huge hit and a master salesman. On Friday he had his 2-month checkup. Chubbster is now 14 lbs. 2 oz. (95th percentile) and 22.5 inches tall (only 35th percentile). He handled the 4 vaccinations pretty well...probably better than I would handle 2 shots in each leg. He was sore afterwards and we took extra care to treat his legs tenderly at the changing table. There are some new photos here.

I'm also happy to report that I had my FINAL neurologist appointment last Friday. The doctor told me that my recovery from the palsy is basically complete which was a wonderful Christmas gift.

I want to wish all of you the happiest of holidays. Bean of Hope will be taking a short hiatus, but will be back January 1st. Until next year...

I am tired, but...

Lately, I've been staying up after Cole goes to sleep for the night in order to catch up on everyday life. He's a good sleeper, often sleeping for 4-5 hours and it's my only chance to work uninterrupted. So, I've been staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning on a fairly regular basis. It bothers Tony because he worries I'm not getting enough rest...and he's probably right...but I've always been a better night owl than an early bird, and I've realized that I really enjoy the little bit of quiet time. I may not be as well rested in the morning, but I'm in a better frame of mind because I've had a chance to unwind and collect my thoughts.

First Christmas

Cole met Santa today for the first time, and he was even kind enough to pose for a photo. I keep preparing myself for Cole to fuss, scream, and cry in public, but so far, he has been absolutely fine. The apartment office had a small party for the kids tonight and we decided to bring Cole. We figured if he got upset we were just a quick walk from home. Instead, he handled it with more grace than some of the older kids who froze and cried as soon as it was their turn to sit on Santa's lap.

The Wolf

I've been told more than once that women become disgusting once they have children...that is, normally modest women will blurt out gross things without hesitation. I've also been told that this has happened to me. My response to that is I was never squeamish before...and some people are too easily grossed out.

Lucky for everyone in my household I have a high gross-out tolerance. Cole has had some truly amazing diapers lately, and yesterday his Daddy found out just how talented our little boy is. Remember Harvey Keitel's character, the Wolf, in Pulp Fiction? Well, that's me. I'm the one they call when there's a dirty job that needs cleaning.

funny ha ha

An excerpt from a recent email forwarded to me:

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?  
A No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?  
A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college.
 
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?  
A: Childbirth.  

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.  Is she right?  
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
 
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?  
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

visits, baptism, Cole's first cold, and turkey day

Life has been a bit hectic here in Virginia, but the dust is beginning to settle once more. Cole handled his adoring public very well. He cried and cooed and ate and slept and peed and pooped just enough to prove that we're capable, if not perfect, parents. As exciting as it was to show the little guy off, it's been nice to get back to "normal" life and our own pace.

During all the excitement, Cole was baptized along with 6 other babies at our church. For the morning, I planned a feeding frenzy in hopes of putting Cole in a "milk coma." My plan worked perfectly. He was an angel during brunch, letting me eat my entire meal. He was the first baby to cry at the baptism, but he was quickly consoled. Of course he cried during the holy soaking, but who could blame him. The deacon was especially generous with the water.

Sunday night, angel baby turned into a miserable, sniffling bundle. He caught his daddy's cold, and lacking the ability to blow his nose, the congestion built up quickly. Poor Cole would cough so violently, he would wake himself up. To complicate matters, at this point in his young life, he is mainly a nose breather, and with that option gone, he was struggling to adjust to breathing through his mouth. It was a rough night. I held him so he could sleep upright most of the night and called the pediatrician in the morning.

The pediatrician confirmed Cole's head cold and suggested using saline nose drops and a gentler aspirator than the one provided by the hospital. I was already running a humidifier in the house for everyone's benefit because our heat is very dry. CVS didn't carry the Little Noses Brand drops and aspirator, but I did find the kit at Babies R Us. They were worth the effort. They've really been helping Cole break up the congestion, and I'm getting better with the aspirator. For some odd reason, sometimes Cole enjoys the aspirator...maybe it tickles.


Last Tuesday (11/25) I had my 6-week postpartum check up. Ironically, one year ago, the same exact date, I had my first ob/gyn appt. Expecting my 8 week ultrasound, I learned instead that I had miscarried my first pregnancy. My heart was shattered. Thanksgiving was spent in VA instead of visiting family for the first time, and I had a D&C the following week. I never would've imagined that one year later, Tony and I would again spend turkey day in VA, but this time with a beautiful baby boy. There was so much to be thankful for this year. And while thoughts of that lost child will always be with me, the tears of mourning now mix with tears of joy for the treasure that is my dear sweet Cole.

one month old

Cole is now officially one month old, and today he had a check-up at the pediatrician. Tony and I had bets on what his weight would be, and I won because we were abiding be Price is Right rules, and Tony's estimate was over the actual amount. Cole now weighs in at 10 lbs. 4 oz., though he literally tried to tip the scale by pulling on part of it. I had to let him hold my finger so the nurse could get an accurate measurement. He's also grown 3/4", and is now 22 1/4" tall...well...22 1/4" long is more like it since standing is still out of the question. However, he's working hard on developing those neck muscles and he can hold his head up for longer stretches every day. He's also stretching out his legs and kicking and pushing off a lot more. He takes his exercises very seriously.

This first month has been exhausting, frustrating, and amazing as we've tackled new things together. The hardest times have had little to do with Cole and more to do with my own health issues. I'm getting better though and that's a huge comfort.

Family begins arriving tomorrow. Tony's parents are flying in from Green Bay to stay for a week, and my family will be here this weekend as we celebrate Cole's baptism on Sunday. It will be interesting to see how Cole reacts to his popularity...and we'll definitely be keeping a close eye on the grandparents to make sure no one tries to take off with him.

To celebrate his great check-up and to savor our final quiet moments for awhile, I took him for a walk this afternoon around the apartment complex. Last time we went for a walk, Cole slept through the whole thing, but today, he was wide-eyed the entire time. He stared back at me and would acknowledge when we passed under a tree or when he heard an airplane. He's becoming more aware of his environment and I love seeing his reactions. The best part was he had his longest sustained smile ever and was still smiling when I got him back upstairs. Tonight, as I'm cleaning the apartment before family arrives, I've got a bit of extra energy and I know exactly where it came from...seeing my one month old's gummy grin.

first 3 weeks

These first 3 weeks have been full of firsts. Much of it has been documented with the digital camera, and some with the camcorder, but some of it I'm sure will stay etched in memory without the visual aids. Cole is thriving and growing like a weed. I'm eager to see what his height and weight will be at his next check up on 11/17. Initially he had lost 1 lb. and 2 oz. from his birth weight, but he regained it plus 3 oz. within the first week and a half.

Breastfeeding is going well which is a huge relief. I've heard so many horror stories involving soreness, bleeding and other unpleasantries. I'm grateful that the nurses at the hospital helped us get off to a good start. It's tricky because it requires coordination on the part of mom and baby. It's a team effort between 2 people that just met! I feed Cole every 2 1/2-3 hours during the day and 3-4 hours at night. Over the weekend, he was hungry every 2 hours, but kept falling asleep mid-meal which made the nursing session take a full hour. I'm trying to get him back to 3 hour, focused feedings today...wish me luck!

Cole's first sponge bath was a success, and this past week he had his first real bath...something I was a bit nervous about, but we all survived it. His umbilical cord stump had fallen off Tuesday night. I had joked with Tony that now that his "tags" are off, we've got to keep him. Bath time was a shock to Cole at first. He wasn't sure what to make of the water, but then he started to like it. By the time I was done, his patience was dwindling.

Another nerve-wracking task to tackle was trimming his razor fingernails. The trick is to do it just after he's been fed and is groggy. I'm a pro at it now...a good thing since I have to do it about twice a week...to protect him and us from nasty scratches.

We also took Cole out for his first non-doctor visit adventure, and broke in his stroller during the indian summer weekend we had 11/1-11/2. He's not too fond of the car seat initially, but he fell asleep in the stroller and was pretty content. I wish the weather hadn't turned cold so quickly because I would've liked to have taken a lot more walks.

Well, that's all the news for now...it's taken me all day to finish this post because I can only write in 5 minute intervals. :)

happy halloween

I'm no Anne Geddes, but Cole's first Halloween photos did turn out pretty well. The crying was just Cole getting into character as a roaring lion.

...and now for the not-so-good stuff

First off, I consider myself extremely lucky to have been blessed with a happy, healthy baby. I also realize that I am fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband and doctors that I trust and genuinely like. So...I'm determined not to let the challenges that have been thrown my way distract or overshadow the incredible joy of this time.

That said, it turns out that headache I had before labor was significant. It was the first signs of Bell's palsy, a generally temporary form of facial paralysis caused by inflammation and swelling that surrounds a major nerve in my neck. It can take anywhere from a few weeks to several months to recover. In rare cases, it's permanent.

During labor, I was too preoccupied to pay attention to the pain in my neck, but after Cole was born, I noticed I was having trouble eating on the left side of my mouth. After 19 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with a clenched face, I blamed it on exhaustion.

In the morning, I realized the left side of my face was paralyzed and droopy. I couldn't blink my left eye. A neurologist examined me and ordered an MRI. In order to confirm the diagnosis, it's necessary to rule out scary scenarios like a stroke or brain tumors. The MRI was an interesting experience. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle the enclosed space, and claustrophobia and anxiety are common problems with the test. The mechanism and scans are so loud, I was given ear plugs. I put my deep yoga breathing to work, kept my eyes shut, and thought about Cole. "Wind" is blown through the tunnel which helped me to imagine myself in a larger space. I chose to picture Tony, Cole and I at the Boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. It was a breezy day, and every sound of the scan became the sound of the little train that circles the pavillion or the "laser guns" on the rocket ship ride. During the most intense and final scan, I was playing for the high score on Centipede and the bugs were dropping at super speed. I came through the test well, and the results confirmed the palsy which was a relief.

There isn't much that can be done to treat Bell's palsy. It just takes time. Steroids are sometimes effective, and so I'm taking a short course to try to reduce the swelling. It's relatively safe to take while breastfeeding, but I have to space out the doses creatively around Cole's nursing schedule. I took my last pill today, but I haven't had any improvement. Waiting is now the only option. I'm really hoping to recover by Christmas.

While the palsy can't be treated, the symptoms must be. I have to put drops and ointment in my eye to keep it from drying out, and wear a patch at night. I can only drink with the help of a straw, and eating is not a pretty sight. I have about the same amount of facial muscle control as my son. I hope to recover before he passes me up. The muscles that do work in my face tire quickly which make it hard to talk for very long, so Tony's been my spokesperson on the phone. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, but it's hard when I literally cannot smile. I know if it weren't for the palsy, I'd have a permanent grin right now.

Tony's smiles make up for the lack of mine. He's on cloud nine, and has been more than happy to field the phone calls and repeat the birth story over and over. He's been my chauffeur and errand boy, and that's been an enormous help. As I've said before, I'm very lucky...but I'm anxious to share my first smile with my son.

birth story...the long version

Little did I know that a few hours after my 10.15.03 post that labor was looming. Around 7pm, I developed a headache on the left side with a needling pain behind my ear and into my neck and jaw. Not fun. So I decided to skip dinner and lay down for a while and try to sleep through it. The pain was too sharp to ignore, but the dark room was at least soothing.

After midnight Tony joined me in bed and quickly fell asleep. Tony, a.k.a. Captain Slumber, has the super power of super sleep. He can reach full REM in five minutes. I hope our son inherits this. At 12:40, I felt my first contraction. I didn't get too excited because I knew it doesn't really mean anything unless they continue steadily. I made a mental note to tell the doctor about the contraction and continued to try to fall asleep...I was almost successful when the second contraction hit. Again I ignored it, but after the fourth one, I was more attentive.

I sat up in bed and started to time them. They were consistently 7 minutes apart...then 5 minutes... Tony woke up and I told him to go back to sleep, and in his groggy sleep state, he listened, but a few minutes later he sat up again, aware that I was keeping something from him. As soon as I said the word contraction, he was alert and in full labor coach mode.

The doctors had told me to call them if my water broke or if I had contractions 5 minutes apart for at least one hour. Well, they were 5 minutes apart, now we needed to see if they were going to last. After 3 or 4 contractions, they were suddenly 2-3 minutes apart, and secretly, I began to get a little panicky. They weren't terribly painful, but they were definitely the real deal.

A little after 2am Tony called the Dr. Patel, and she said to go to the hospital. Tony was so excited, but I was too nervous and still had the headache to cope with too. I was in my ultra-calm, crisis management mode that's usually reserved for work deadlines and family emergencies.

Once at the hospital, I was hooked up on monitors to watch the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. It was confirmed that they were 2-3 minutes apart, but my internal exam showed no change in my cervix. I was still only 1.5 cm dialated. It was a busy night on the labor ward and the nurses didn't seem too happy about another patient. She encouraged me to go home and walk around and come back later...I was not easily swayed. She called my doctor who decided I would stay.

The contractions became stronger but remained 2-3 minutes apart all morning. I did my best to breathe through them, but by 5am I was having trouble managing the pain. At 6am, I whimpered for some relief, and the nurse was unsympathetic. My exam showed I was about 3 cm, and she thought it was too soon for pain medication. Dr. Patel and a new nurse arrived at 7am and an epidural was ordered for me. My new nurse, Leslie was a great comfort for me and I am grateful that most of my labor was during her shift. Before she left for her office hours, my doctor broke my water. It was a strange sensation, but not at all painful.

I was surprised I needed the epidural as early as I did, but I was never looking to win the Ms. Natural Labor 2003 pageant. The idea of a needle in my spine was freaky, but the anesthesiologist talked me through the entire process and made it easier. Afterwards I could feel the contractions but only slightly, and I had more sensation in the right than the left, but it was still an enormous relief. I think the toughest part of the entire labor for me was the hour or so before the epidural. It was the only time I had serious doubts that I would be able to handle the delivery.

Contractions continued all day but the dilation went very slowly. On my doctor's orders, Leslie added pitocin to my IV. I was checked hourly for dilation and the pitocin was cranked up accordingly. By 4pm I was 7cm, 100% effaced BUT my cervix was not evenly dilated. In a final desperate attempt to delay his birth, Bean had taken refuge on my left side under my ribs. His leftward lean was so pronounced, it contorted the shape of my belly. The problem with this was that his weight was not evenly distributed on my cervix, so a crescent moon of the cervix remained on the right side. By changing my position we were able to coax him over enough to correct this, but it took some time.

At 6pm, we started to PUSH, and I really thought the Bean would be born before Leslie's shift ended. No such luck. I pushed as hard as I could for 3 hours. With the cheerleading of Tony, my doctor and my nurses, I managed to move the Bean down, but not out. He fought us to the end. Finally, Dr. Patel said she was going to give me some help. It looked like a dollar store toy, but the tiny suction cup vaccuum device did the trick. Coordinating my pushing, the doctor's pulling, and my contractions, the Bean was born at 8:49 pm, and my world changed.

Introducing Cole Henson Rozwadowski to this world!

Since Kelly is recovering beautifully after delivering a very healthy 8 lb. 2 oz., 20.5 inch boy, I am doing my fatherly duties and updating the blog :) He was born at 8:49 PM on 10/16/03. More news to come when Kelly comes home with Cole this weekend! Thanks for the love and support!!!

40 week appt

Today is my official due date. Apparently, no one has told the Bean because he is completely unprepared to be born. He hasn't packed his bags or forwarded his mail. He's in total denial.

I'm still only about 1 cm dilated. There's been no change at all, so we had a more in-depth discussion with the doctor about what will happen if I'm induced next week. I'll be admitted Tuesday night at 8pm and I'll be given a medication that "ripens" the cervix. In the morning, the doctor will check my condition and start the pitocin which promotes contractions. After that it's a waiting game ...something with which I've become very familiar.

rings and things

My wedding band hasn't fit for a while now, so I've been wearing it on a chain around my neck. While watching DVDs the other night, it occurred to me that I look like Frodo. The power of this ring though is to let people know that despite my youthful appearance, I am not a knocked up teenager.

I've always looked younger than my real age, and usually it's not a big deal. Sometimes it's even funny, but lately it's been a lot less amusing. People are unusually rude to pregnant women in general, making comments that they would never speak aloud to a non-pregnant person...regarding one's size, diet, or even ability to drive, walk, work, etc. The evil looks just add insult to injury.

I'll have the last laugh though when they're all lining up for their Botox!

Simple pleasures

Cooler weather is finally here, and my feet couldn't be happier. I managed to avoid swelling almost the entire pregnancy...until the end of August when they suddenly ballooned. I had often joked throughout the pregnancy that the only article of clothing that reliably fit were my socks, and for awhile I couldn't even count on them.

The worst of the swelling only lasted a few days, but enough remained that my sneakers became the only shoes in my limited wardrobe...until the weather broke.

Now with the changing leaves, my feet have returned to normal (almost), and while I won't even attempt to slip into my old jeans, I'm happy to at least have my shoes back.

39 week appt

I'm finally dilated...a little...1-2 cm. It turns out that the doctors were just humoring me with the fingertip/1 cm reading before. This was the first time the internal exam didn't hurt, and that's because of the changes to my body. It's not much progress, but it is progress.

The Bean has moved down a little, but he's still in a station 1 or 2 which means he's not "engaged" yet. I asked the doctor why I could still feel him up and under my ribs, and she said...He's probably tall! How on earth did 2 tiny people like Tony and I end up with a 8 lb., long baby?! I'm hoping the docs are overestimating.

Reality check

My body has reached cartoonish proportions, and my wardrobe is limited to about 4 outfits...one of which is packed in "the suitcase." While, there's no denying I'm pregnant, I'm finding it harder to believe that I'm really going to have a baby. After several weekly internal exams, and no physical signs of impending labor, it's almost easier to believe the Bean has decided not to be born, and to just live out a peaceful existence where he is.

And really, can you blame him?

38 week appt...really

At my rescheduled appointment today, everything was fine. Only trouble is, there has been absolutely no change at all...no signs of dilatation. The little guy is still nice and snug...and stubborn.

I'm shocked that it's October because it means he'll definitely be born this month...but at the same time, it doesn't seem like he's arriving any time soon.

38 week appointment

Tony began his twice weekly telecommuting schedule today, so we went to the doctor's appointment together. No luck though. My doctor had just been called to the hospital for a delivery. We walked around the shopping plaza and the surrounding neighborhood for an hour, but since she was still at the hospital, I rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow at their other location. I've never been there before and it's further away, so I hope it's not too difficult to find.

It was a nice day for a walk, so we didn't mind the inconvenience. Fall has arrived here and brought with it blue skies and jacket-weather temperatures. It is the first time in months that it has felt good to be outside, and I'm loving it.

big bootie

While I was sick I did a lot of knitting, and I decided to try out a baby bootie pattern. I thought since it was such a small thing to knit, it should go quickly. BUT the pattern was a bit more complicated than I had thought...and I don't think I was using the right kind of yarn...and my gauge was probably off...

The result? One big bootie! It will be Bean's Christmas stocking this year.

37 weeks and counting

Not much news. I'm finally getting over my cold. The reflux remains a 24-hour battle, but at least now I'm armed with Zantac.

At my 37 week appointment, I had lost one pound, blood pressure and urinanalysis were normal. Bean's heart rate was steady, and while he has moved down a little, he's still filling my entire torso because he's gotten bigger. Still no signs of dilatation, but I am 50% effaced which is at least a start.

The doctor and I discussed the possibility of a C-section, and she seemed more upset about it than I am. I guess she's used to women being disappointed if they're not able to have a "normal" vaginal delivery. I told her that I don't really have any expectations, and I just want to do what's best. Of course, I'd prefer not to have major abdominal surgery...but it's not my call.

We met with a pediatric practice last week and Tony and I liked what we saw. The doctor we met was very nice, they've got great hours, and they accept our insurance. Also, they are located in the same building as my ob/gyn so the location is convenient.

drats

Despite taking my jumbo prenatal vitamins, and every precaution possible, I got Tony's cold. Friday, I finally gave in and took a nap after a very long week. I awoke 3 hours later with an irritated throat and that weird burning feeling in my sinuses...my usual first warning signs of a cold.

Sure enough, by Saturday morning it was a full-blown cold. I lived on the sofa bed all weekend, knitting and reading Harry Potter. Tony kept me company as we watched the extended version of the Fellowship of the Rings. The added scenes were awesome, but definitely lengthy. We also watched some the DVD extras and lots of football this weekend.

The only thing I can take is Sudafed, but it does help and I'm grateful for the relief. Searching for Sudafed online, brought me to this article...apparently Sudafed is responsible for the downfall of many individuals in New South Wales.

36 week appointment

I called the doctor's office before leaving for my appointment, just to be sure they were open, and they were. Since the federal government was closed, Tony had another day off work, so he was able to come along. The drive there was uneventful. All the traffic lights were working and the roads were clear which was a nice surprise.

I got the express check up today--no urinanalysis because the bathroom was out of order because the county has no water, and no internal exam because the nurse forgot to ask me to undress and give me a gown. All that was left was to weigh in, check my blood pressure, and listen to Bean's heartbeat. My weight has stabilized, pressure was good, and the steady beat of Bean's little heart is always a pleasure to hear.

formal clothes

Today the Bean's first formal outfit arrived, a christening suit I had ordered online. Tony's parents have given us beautifully embroidered baby bunting to use for the christening, but we still needed something for the Bean to wear underneath. The bunting was used for Tony's baptism as well as his brothers, and was a gift from their grandmother in Taiwan. We're honored to be able to carry on that tradition. We'll also be using a teeny, tiny gold cross necklace that I had worn as a baby that was gift from my great-grandfather...we're suckers for sentimental traditions.

After seeing the bunting, I began to look for the rest of the Bean's ensemble. Little girls have scores of ornate christening gowns to choose from, but there is some really horrible stuff out there for baby boys...mostly tiny tuxedoes with silly bowties.

An Irish linen suit caught my eye, and while I'm certain it's worth every penny, I couldn't justify spending that much money on something that will be worn once and could very well end up covered in spit-up or worse. After further searching, I found Baby Heirlooms in Utah which had just what I was looking for. The suit is simple, crafted of high-quality fabrics, and just too sweet to pass up.

car seat update

We went to the car seat inspection bright and early Sunday morning. We were the first cars there, but we weren't the first ones in line. We were waiting for the inspectors to finish setting up, when an impromptu line was formed by some more aggressive folks...some of which hadn't even tried to install their car seats. They just brought them along and had the inspectors install them...aggressive and lazy...but I digress...

It was all worth the effort because both of our car seat bases had to be re-installed. The seat belted one in the Saturn wasn't installed tightly enough. It took 2 men and a lot of sweat, but they got a snug fit. I was amazed at the amount of brute strength required for a proper installation. The LATCH system car seat in the Honda had to moved from the center position to the side because the LATCH connections were too close together in the center. Apparently, they have to be 22 inches apart. Also they were able to get a better fit using the seat belt, so in the end the LATCH system wasn't used at all.

One interesting factoid...in every magazine and car seat review, you'll read that you should use a rear-facing car seat until the baby reaches one year old or 20 lbs. The car seat inspectors told us that the baby has to be rear-facing until at least their first birthday, and that if they surpass the weight limit first, you should buy a convertible car seat and use it in the rear-facing position until they get old enough to ride facing forward. A child under one year of age should never ride facing forward even if they're over the 20 lb. limit.

at least this is ready...

I finished the bean blanket over the weekend! It's about 30x40--soft yet sturdy to hold up during the many washings it will probably be subjected to. I really like how pronounced the pattern is with this yarn as opposed to the subtle texture it gave to the blanket I made for Elaine. Now I have to decide what to make next...

35 week appt.

We struck out at the car seat inspection today. It ran from 1pm-3pm, but when we got there at 2:15, they were already turning cars away. I had no idea it would be so busy, especially on a rainy day. Our next chance is Sunday morning, and you can be sure we'll be there early.

Tony was able to join me for my dr. appt which was a nice surprise. I've been going solo for almost 2 months. Another jump in my weight, but the total I've gained isn't too bad, so I'm trying to be relaxed about it. I knew it was going to be another significant gain because I've been able to notice the difference. I can't sit as close to the table as I used to, and when I brush my teeth it takes some effort to be over the sink. My blood pressure is still really good, and the Bean's heartrate was strong and steady.

The not-fun part was the internal exam--my first since the very beginning of the pregnancy. Thankfully, it was brief. I haven't begun to dilate yet, and I'm not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved about that. Feeling my abdomen, the dr. made her estimate of the Bean's current weight...and her guess is in the high sixes! Her exact words were, "Looks like it could be an 8 pounder." That was not at all what I had hoped to hear...Tony laughed nervously. He's worried about having to be in the room if I need a C-section...and I don't blame him.

cake in 3D

While looking for holiday cake pans, I came across this on the Wilton web site. I managed to restrain myself from instantly buying it, but then I saw it in person at the craft store, and it was too cool to pass up. I'm definitely going to use it for the Bean's christening party. Maybe, I'll have to make a test cake first...I can't wait to try it out.

car seat installation

Car seats are tricky business. Not only did the car seat come with it's own hefty manual, I also had to read through several pages of documentation in each of our car's owner manuals, before I could even attempt to install it. Then, I had to register the car seat and the additional car seat base online and check to be sure it hadn't been recalled. The list of recalled car seats is enough to cause panic, but thankfully my model numbers were not among them.

I had considered installing the car seat bases sooner, but thought I was probably getting ahead of myself. Now I wish I had. It would've been a lot easier to install back in the days when I was small enough to fit comfortably in the back seat of our compact cars. I did manage to install the seat in the back of our 97 Saturn using the center seat belt, but I'm not confident that it's as secure as it should be. The good news is that there are free car seat inspections at Babies R Us Friday afternoon, so I can get an expert opinion.

Tonight, Tony and I tackled installing the second base into the 03 Civic which has the fancy new LATCH system. LATCH is supposed to make installation near fool-proof, but the basic principle, and therefore, the problem remains the same. Whether you use a seat belt or LATCH, you've got to pull the belt super-tight in order to secure the seat, and you still have to read a ton of documentation.

We'll have both seats inspected on Friday, and I'm curious to see how we've done.

childbirth class: part two

Day two covered emergency childbirth, C-sections, breastfeeding, and basic infant care (diapers, bathing, swaddling, etc.). One of the dysfunctional couples from the day before didn't show up, and another father came late so he could watch his football game. The late father's wife confided to some of the other expectant moms that he had wanted to skip the class all together to go to the Giants game in NJ. I love football, but it's just one weekend, and I would think being by your partner's side at this time should be top priority...but hey, that's me. God help these women if they go into labor during a football game.

It felt like we covered a lot more material during this class than we did the day before, and I'm grateful for the many handouts to help me remember it all...though I really hope we won't need the emergency childbirth info.

I forgot to mention yesterday that the arrogant, "my wife needs a private room" guy from the hospital tour was in our classes. He didn't seem to recognize Tony or me, but we sure remembered him. He attended the class solo and didn't participate at all. I don't understand how he or his wife could possibly benefit from the class...maybe he came for the free refreshments.

childbirth class: part one

Today was part one of our 5-hour a day marathon childbirth classes. Compared to the option of attending an hour long evening class twice a week for six weeks, the one weekend course sounded a lot more appealing.

So far class has been worthwhile. Tony has said he learned a lot and was totally amazed by the natural abilities of the female body. The instructor reminded us both of Cheri OTeri, but we were grateful for her over-the-top enthusiasm by the time we rolled into the third hour.

Here's what I've learned:

1. My stomach is finally flat! Well, the stomach organ is, not my belly. Among the visual aids was a diagram that showed how all the vital organs in the torso are rearranged and compressed to make room for the growing baby, and up at the top, flat as a pancake was the stomach. It definitely explains the 24-hour acid reflux.

2. Every woman at some point in her labor, says she can't do it any longer. It doesn't seem to matter who you are, a first time mother or a labor and delivery nurse having her third child, everyone gets pushed to their breaking point and tries (uselessly) to throw in the towel. The "scary movie" showed 3 births with 3 different pain management approaches, and every woman announced she couldn't do it anymore. I've only watched 2 episodes of Baby Story on DHC, and I noticed the same thing there. It's kind of scary to think I'll be brought to the brink of giving up.

3. Prenatal yoga is awesome. All of the breathing exercises and laboring positions were similar in some way to what I have already been doing since April in yoga class. So, everything felt very comfortable and second-nature, even though taken out of context, it can look pretty silly. When the instructor told us to get down on all fours, most of the women in the class thought she was nuts, but I was quick to comply. From yoga, I already knew that the position takes the weight of the baby off your spine and enables you to stretch and release tension in your back easily...it just feels good. Even better was the fact that Tony is familiar with some of the yoga positions and breathing techniques, and he immediately recognized that the yoga was going to be a big help for us.

4. I'm damn lucky. The most disappointing part of class was the presence of a few fathers who made it clear they did not want to be there and have no interest at all in the pregnancy or labor and delivery. One complained about how much the class was costing him, and another refused to participate. We had the misfortune of sitting near 2 of them. Macho, ignorant, sad excuses for men, they were annoying and obnoxious, and while I felt bad for their wives, I feel even worse for their future kids. One can only hope that once they are presented with the miracle of birth before their eyes, that their hearts will grow much like the Grinch's did in that happy ending.

baby boom

Two of my fellow belly buddies had their babies this week. Elaine's baby girl Nina was born a little over 2 weeks early on Saturday, August 30th. She's 6 lbs. 2 oz., and 19 in. long. Nina's early arrival wasn't much of a surprise though because Elaine had shown signs of early labor a few weeks ago. It seemed like it could be any day.

The big surprise was on Friday when I learned that my friend Carolyn from yoga class had her son Jonah over a month early! Her due date was within a week of mine. Even more remarkable, Jonah weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz., also 19 in. long. I guess he was just ready.

Both moms and babies are doing really well and were home within 48 hours of delivery. The early arrivals have been a wake-up call for me. I realize I need to pace myself better, but at the same time, I should be prepared because it really could be anytime. However, I just have a hunch, that the Bean will come a few days after my due date, and will make me the last of the belly buddies to have their baby.

Carolyn gave me the following advice in her email:
"Keep your feet up and take it easy...you never know when your little one will decide it's time and then there's no turning back."

musings

At the close of each yoga class, after the relaxation portion, there is a brief meditation. The teacher usually reads a short passage--prose or poetry--that's relative. It's not always specifically about pregnancy, but it's meaningful in some way. Certain readings have really struck a chord with me, and one of these is this poem.

When I heard the poem initially during the first yoga session, some of it seemed strange to me, but now, months later, I understand it better. I now understand the firmness is the unique feeling of the pregnant belly, and the softness of the rest of the body. The part I keep going back to is about not treating the pregnant as if they are disabled. I realize I have limitations, but I can carry my grocery bags, drive a car, work, cook, and clean. I recognize I need to pace myself as I tackle my day-to-day tasks, but I can do it, and I want to do it.

This is particularly difficult for other generations of women to comprehend. There was a time when a pregnant woman was entitled to a kind of pampering that does not appeal to me. I don't want to be put on a shelf for 9 months, my mind and body left to atrophy. The pampering that appeals to me are going to my yoga classes, wearing comfortable clothes, and spending time with Tony. I want to take an active role in my pregnancy, understand and accommodate my changing body, and not put my life on hold.

Edema = not fun

Last night my feet doubled in size. There were no wrinkles, no ankles, no definition at all. They looked like huge, rubber feet. And while they looked funny, it was not fun. The swelling continued to the bottom of my feet, which made walking or even standing nearly impossible.

It was a sudden transformation. I had been fine all day. In fact, I've been fine all summer which has been a pleasant surprise. Last Saturday, I hadn't been able to put on my wedding band, but by Sunday morning, it fit again. Just in case, I'm now wearing it on a chain. My feet have been puffy, but my shoes still fit so I wasn't too concerned.

So, Saturday night was a big surprise. My feet are slowly getting back to normal, or my new semi-puffy version of normal.

33 week appt

Switching from monthly appointments to ones every 2 weeks has certainly created the illusion that time is passing by more quickly. My next appointment is in another 2 weeks, and then I start going weekly. I have a feeling September is going to be a blur.

"Pregnancy brain" struck and made me late for my appointment. Tony and I had dropped off one car for service in the morning, and I had driven him to work. After the dealership called to say it was ready and I made arrangements for the shuttle to pick me up, I realized I couldn't find my purse. So I went down to the car to check, and sure enough it was sitting on the seat. I took a moment to hang a Chinese tassel up in the back seat, and then grabbed my purse and shut the door, locking my keys in the car. Now, I was locked out of the car and the apartment. Luckily, the apartment office manager (also pregnant) was very helpful and loaned me an extra key. The shuttle arrived shortly after, and I was able to drive the other car back because Tony had left his car keys with the dealership. When I got home I called roadside assistance so I could rescue my other set of keys before my appointment and also before my in-laws arrived for a holiday weekend visit. Everything worked out, but I felt like a complete dope.

Appointment went well. Heartrate was good, although I had a little scare when the doctor couldn't find it right away. Bean's hanging out upside down which means the mass I feel almost under my ribs is his butt. He's also laying on his side which explains why I feel almost all the kicks on one side. He likes to work my right side on a regular basis. Kicks have gotten stronger, but not as frequent since he doesn't have as much room to wind up. The squirming feeling is no longer subtle though and the pressure can be pretty intense. No complaints though. All in all, I'm still feeling pretty good...even if I'm kinda dopey.

bean blanket 2...the sequel

I've learned a lot since I started knitting back in April.
1. Use a pattern. I'm a beginner after all and I don't have any concept of what needles and yarn to use to achieve a specific gauge.
2. Be realistic. Again, I can't visualize or anticipate gauge yet, and I now realize that tiny needles with over 150 stitches cast on was a bad idea.
3. Yarn matters. The yarn (in Aspen Print) I chose for the first bean blanket was pretty and inexpensive, but also scratchy and difficult to work with.
4. Hobbies should be fun. If I keep the first 3 points above in mind, knitting is a lot more enjoyable.

So here's my progress on the blanket 2. I'm following the same pattern I had used for Elaine's blanket, but I like how different it looks with this yarn. I'm using TLC Essentials in Light Thyme. It's inexpensive, but still soft. I think it will be pretty durable.

My second finished knitting project

Tonight I finished my second knitting project ever--a baby blanket for my "belly buddy" Elaine. I've been working on it since June, and it's accompanied me on many a roadtrip. Elaine had the good fortune to inherit a whole room of nursery furniture from her brother, and I was certain that there would no shortage of gifts at her baby showers. Her wedding had over 250 in attendance! I really wanted to give her something special.

The yarn I used was Sirdar Snuggly Domino in Mint which I found at the knitting shop where I had taken my lessons. It's super soft and was pretty easy to work with though you have to be careful that you keep the strand together. I followed a free pattern I found on line with a few adjustments for gauge. The pattern was subtle because of the texture of the yarn.

Yes, I know the status on the bean blanket hasn't changed in a long time, but Elaine's due date is a month before mine, so her blanket was a priority...especially since she learned last week that she's already begun to dilate. I've had to hustle!

Also, the sad truth is that the current bean blanket may never be completed. I cast on way too many stitches and the gauge is really tight. BUT, I haven't given up completely. Keeping in mind the lessons of the first bean blanket and the blanket I made for Elaine, I've started a whole new bean blanket...one that is much more reasonable. I'm confident I can finish this one, and so far I'm really happy with how it's coming together. Photos will follow soon.

31 week appt

The eight month mark is just around the corner, and I can hardly believe it. Today's appointment went well. Blood pressure still fine, and I managed to gain only 1 lb. in the last 2 weeks. Heartrate was good, a little lower because the Bean was taking one of his rare naps.

The visit got interesting when my doctor began to discuss a date to schedule an induction. Apparently, it takes so long to schedule the procedure that they always set a time for it just in case. I have the option of seeing Dr. Patel on 10/22 or Dr. Sweeny on 10/23, and when asked whether I had a preference for the doctor, my immediate response was "Everyone's been great. I don't really have a preference, so why don't we just go ahead with 10/22." The truth is that at that point I'll be a week overdue, and I don't care who the doctor is as long as I'm induced as soon as possible!

Hopefully, none of this will be necessary, but I'll find out at my next appt (8/28) when I'm scheduled to be induced.

I'm such a phony

Today I visited 3 clients and one printer...my last meeting hurrah before the Bean arrives. I wanted to assure my clients that I am still willing and able to handle their projects. If anything I'm more motivated than ever given the lousy economy and the fact there will be another little mouth to feed. I've been fortunate to keep a steady flow of work despite losing a few clients to layoffs and cutbacks, and I don't want to risk losing that.

So off I went in my most mod maternity wear armed with business cards and baked goods. Every meeting went well. One client even took me out for lunch and presented me with 2 nightgowns and 5 little blankets for the Bean. Honestly, things couldn't have gone better. Everybody was very nice, sincerely supportive, and they were openly confident that it would be business as usual as far as our working arrangements are concerned.

The funny thing is that while I ran around trying to prove to everyone that I've still got IT and energy to spare, I completely wore myself out. I was one tired, pregnant CEO, and when I got home I needed a nap...but they don't need to know that.

reflux update

When the acid reflux first began back in March, I flipped to the index of my "pregnancy bible" for some information. The index led me to the chapters for the seventh month, and I realized I was in trouble. Reflux and heartburn are common pregnancy problems, but usually not until the third trimester.

I did get a mini break during the second trimester, but now that I'm in the home stretch, the reflux has really taken over. What used to be a night time nuisance, is now nearly a constant discomfort. I've given up on rationing my Tums and I only restrict my diet when it's really painful. There aren't any triggers for it, like tomatos or citrus, anymore. It's just always there. The other day I ate cereal and a banana for breakfast, PBJ for lunch, and still had reflux. What's a girl to do?

I sleep propped up on the couch a lot for a few hours at a time, and I drink a lot of fluids (maybe I can dilute the acid!). I rest when I can during the day, because it's still at its worst at night.

I spoke with Tony's grandma the other night, and she shared that she suffered with reflux throughout her 13(!) pregnancies. In fact, during one pregnancy, she had it the entire time. She said she didn't feel relief until immediately after the baby was delivered. She said she felt like a new person. Imagine that! After the pains of labor, delivery, and the joy of her new baby, what she felt more than anything was relief from the reflux.

Baptism class

No, it's not a class where you learn to baptize...it's yet another requirement of our church. Having experienced adult confirmation and my wedding at the same church, I'm used to jumping through hoops. They have a knack for making matters complicated.

Last Monday (8/4) Tony and I attended an hour long class along with about a dozen other couples, and a few fussy babies. I don't blame the babies one bit for crying. It was painfully dull. One of the parish priests used to teach the class, but recently passed the responsibility onto a well-meaning member of the church. I'm sure she's very nice, but public-speaking is not one of her strengths. She read to us in a monotone voice from a written script, pausing not for emphasis, but only to turn the page.

Mostly, she spoke about the importance of baptism, and a little about the ceremony itself. Things got a bit more interesting when she began to cover the requirements for godparents. This was the only part people asked questions about, and instead of livening up the talk, it seemed to just throw her off. If it wasn't in the script, she was lost.

I had done some research on line prior to us choosing the Bean's godparents, and what I had read was that only one godparent needs to Catholic. Technically, you only need one godparent. The other non-Catholic, can serve as a witness. Therefore, I didn't foresee any problem with Glen and Annie. She's Catholic. He's atheist. As it turns out, the witness has to be Christian, and have proof that they've been baptized and are active members of a church, and only certain Christian faiths are "acceptable."

BUT, it's not going to be a problem. Annie will participate in the ceremony with us, and Glen will have the equally important job of videotaping it for us. And while the church may not recognize Glen as a godparent, it will be official to us and the Bean. It's silly really. Glen and Annie were married in the church. He has agreed to raise his own children as Catholics, and he lives a better example than many Catholics I know....and he does so without the fear of God in him...he just does the right thing because that's who he is. He's going to be an awesome godfather.

high tech

We ordered our Christmas present to ourselves this week...a digital camcorder. We wanted to have it before the Bean arrives, so we'll be able to get some practice. All of our immediate family have got DVD players now, so it will be a nice way to bridge the geographic distance between Bean and his fans.

There will be no video of the actual birth! Still photography, above the waist only! To be honest, I don't think I'd ever watch it if we did tape it, and I definitely wouldn't share the footage with anyone. I think I'd rather just remember it the way I want to. I don't think I'll need video to refresh my memory.

Glucose results

I passed the glucose test! The nurse called to tell me that all my bloodwork came back normal...but I'm mildly anemic. To get more iron, she suggested eating more green, leafy vegetables, red meat, raisins, bran (or raisin bran), and peaches. I had no idea peaches were rich in iron!

baby time

I received this from a client about a month ago. The funny thing is he didn't know I was pregnant.

Back in January, Stork Airways was referred to me through a printer friend. It was a small start-up that needed some serious design help after being burned by another designer. I was skeptical at first and also not that excited about their business since I was still recovering from my miscarriage. I thought it was sure proof that the Big Guy has a sense of humor. I think it turned out to be therapuetic to a degree. The work that kept me busy so I couldn't sit around and be sad.

Anyhoo, I had never told the client I was expecting because by the time I was feeling confident enough to share the news, the projects were all completed. He sent me the watch as a sample for my portfolio, not realizing how appropriate it was. I hadn't known he was going to use it on a watch. The original idea was to produce a wall clock. After reviewing his recently launched web site (not my design), I saw he also used the Baby Time image for an oversize, old-fashioned alarm clock.

Maybe he'll send me some more goodies, now that he knows about my pregnancy!

Hospital tour

Keeping with my tradition of out of date posts, here's one about the hospital tour we took on July 12, 2003.

My doctor recommended I take a tour of the maternity ward at the hospital sometime during my second trimester. I wasn't sure why it was important to do it then, until afterwards. It was a whole hour on my feet, but I was a trooper. We'll see if I'm as strong when I'm actually admitted.

There were five couples on the tour including us. Our guide was a very nice woman who works as a liaison between maternity patients and their insurance companies. She must have a tough side to her to do that job, but she was as sweet and gentle as a kindergarten teacher to us. One insight she shared with us was that while your insurance company may try to tell you that your approved 48 hour stay begins the minute you set foot into the hospital, the reality is the clock doesn't start ticking until you deliver. You are guaranteed by law a 48 hour stay after delivery if you choose. You may leave earlier with your doctor's approval, but they can't just boot you out.

The tour began with an explanation of registration procedures and a necessary clarification of where to park and what entrance to use. The hospital is undergoing a major renovation, and the parking lot is a total wreck. Luckily, the parking garage and the entrance area will be completed this month. I had already begun to worry about the possibility of waiting for a shuttle bus from a remote lot while in active labor.

Next we saw the maternity floor which is also part of the renovation, but the expansion won't be ready until sometime next year, and I don't think I can wait that long. The floor is really nice as is though, and we spent most of the tour in one of the labor and delivery suites. I was the least pregnant (or so it appeared) of the ladies on tour, so I opted to stand while the others sat. One poor lady sat on a stool in front of her husband, who when he rested his foot on its base, released the hydraulic and she dropped a few inches in a split second. We all laughed, but I'm sure it won't be as funny if its repeated during her next trip to the hospital.

Reston Hospital has all private rooms for labor and delivery and you also have a 1:1 ratio of patients to RNs. 90 minutes after your delivery, you're moved to a semi-private room that you share with another new mom. Tony and I were really impressed and surprised after seeing sitcom births where you're in shared room until you're ready to really get to business.

One of the other expectant fathers was not as impressed, and for the rest of the tour he made it known that he will be paying extra to insure his wife has a completely private room during her entire stay. He also plans to bring their own food and both of their immediate families....at that point, why not plan a home birth?

All in all, it was an informative hour, and it gave us the illusion of feeling a bit better prepared for October. At least we know where to park and what door to use.

28 week appt

Well, it was actually my 29 week appointment. Today was the dreaded glucose test for gestational diabetes. My doctor recommended to drink the solution chilled and from a nice glass. I pulled out the toasting flute that hasn't been used since our wedding for the ocassion. The taste wasn't really all that bad, but it's a lot to drink in a five minute period. The drawback to using the flute was that I had to refill it 3 times in order to drink the full dose.

Other than the bloodwork, my appointment was routine, which is something I still don't take for granted. This is one time in my life when normal is a very good thing.

From now until 36 weeks my appointments will be every 2 weeks. I'm wondering if it will seem like time is going by more quickly now that I'll be marking my time in 2 weeks intervals instead of the monthly appointments I've been having.

Fetal echocardiogram

Yesterday I had my appointment for the fetal echocardiogram. The good news is that the Bean was in great position for the test, and his heart looked completely normal. I've learned that a developing baby's heart is not divided into separate chambers, that there are holes between where the chambers will be that allow the blood to swish around within the heart. It's not until later that the chambers seal off and become distinct. So, while we saw holes inside the Bean's heart, this is totally normal.

The test was amazing. We saw the heart larger than life, and using color mapping like rain bands on a weather doppler, we could even see how the blood was moving through the heart.

The only tough part about the appointment was my insurance. I was told I needed a referral in order to have the test, and I had one from my ob/gyn. But when I got there, I learned I also needed a referral from my primary care physician (who for the record I have never even seen!). So, I called the pcp's office, and was told they would call the insurance company for an approval, but that I couldn't have the procedure done until I heard back from them otherwise my insurance wouldn't cover it--meaning we would have to pay $1,200. We waited as patiently as possible, but the cardiologist's office was getting ready to close for lunch, so I called again to check the status. A new person answered the phone and told me that it would take 7-10 days to process the paperwork! I stood my ground, and she put me on hold. Less than a minute later, the cardiologist's office received the faxed approval. Insurance can be such an ordeal.

Hey, look...

Tony and I have a silly game we play where we'll say, "Hey look. It's [insert name of familiar person here]" when we see someone who vaguely resembles them. For instance, he thinks my friend Elaine looks like Dora the Explorer, and he'll always say "Look. It's Elaine!" everytime we see an image/representation of Dora. It's silly, I know.

On Saturday, Tony was flipping through the cable channels when he announced "Look. It's Dr. Sweeney." Dr. Sweeney is my ob/gyn. I laughed without looking at first, but then he said it again. It WAS Dr. Sweeney! She was in an episode of Birthday on the Discovery Health Channel. We caught only a few seconds of her on camera during the last few minutes of the show.

I've liked my Dr. since the very beginning, and I can't wait to kid her about her celebrity status.

Knitting update

Last night, I finished the first skein of yarn for the bean blanket, which is now 11 inches long. I was overly amibitious when I cast on, so this is one wide blanket. Another beginner mistake I can learn from is that I could be knitting much quicker if I'd chosen a looser gauge. Oh well, the blanket's looking good and I'll certainly remember the work I've put into it.

reflux...ugh

My doctor's appointment went well last night. Bean's heartbeat was very strong and a bit fast because he had been moving around so much. The kicks have suddenly become a lot stronger. Not only can they be seen on the outside of my belly, but sometimes they're powerful enough to wake me up out of a sound sleep.

My weight gain is on the low end of the charts, and my blood pressure is good. At the next appointment I'll be tested for gestational diabetes. I have to drink a bottle of something orange and then they'll take blood an hour later. After this appointment, I'll start going every 2 weeks for check ups. The second trimester is flying by.

Bean's still measuring big, so my estimated due date may be changed to 10/7. In any case, the good doctors are going to keep a close eye on me as October draws nearer.

The acid reflux has been really tough lately, but I told the doctor I've been managing it with Tums. She said that was fine, but when I asked her how many is too many Tums, she said I shouldn't be taking more than 3 a day. I don't think I've taken less than a 3 day in months! The Tums don't pose any risk to the baby, but she thinks they increase my chances of gall bladder problems. The vitamin I take already has a lot of calcium in it so the Tums could overdo it and cause stones...oh joy

So, I've got to reserve my Tums for when I want to sleep and just buck up during the day. The doctor recommended in addition to the soda which I've already eliminated, to limit my citrus, fruit juice, tomato, and fried food intake. This will definitely help limit my weight gain too!

The way we were

While going through some old photos, Tony and I found these 2 gems. No doubt, the Bean's going to have a round little face, dark hair and eyes...and will probably be a packrat like both his parents.

I haven't been updating as often as I would like to lately. I've been busy with work and preparing the apartment for our new roommate. Since there isn't a separate room to focus my nesting on, I've been tackling the whole apartment at once--cleaning out clutter and trying to make the most of the space.

Over the weekend, we brought a car load down to Goodwill which felt really good. I've read that one perk to clearing out old things and fighting the packrat tendency is that then you can really enjoy the things you have and like better...since they're not buried. It's true, but it's not easy. I come from a long line of packrats. My grandmother keeps stuffed animals and knick knacks, and my mom has almost every pair of jeans she's ever worn...and a few with the tags still on.

I see more trips to Goodwill in the my future.

Bow wow wow

When I was born, my great-grandfather bought me Bow Bow and I've had him ever since. His original nose was lost in a laundry accident that haunts me to this day, and his fur is worn thin. I have few memories of Little Pop-Pop. He passed away in 1983, but his mind was lost to us several years before. But I do know that as his first great grandchild I was special to him, and I do remember that there was always a kind tone in his voice for me. There are other vague memories--the cigarette burn holes in some of his favorite pants, his light blue recliner, the pride he took in his rose garden, trips to the horsetrack, fishing in Point Pleasant, and Pep-O-Mint lifesavers.

I picked up this new pup from Old Navy, and I think he makes a nice companion to old Bow Bow. Perhaps Bean can call him Bow wow wow.

more duckies!

In the beginning, I would purchase 1 or 2 duckie items for the Bean from Target's Carters collection after each doctor's appointment. It was a way for me to celebrate and slowly build my enthusiasm as I became more optimistic about the pregnancy.

Now that we've reached the point where other people have begun to give us gifts for the baby, I've been concerned that we'll end up with 20 of the same duckie outfit in 4 sizes, and it might be the only thing Bean ever wears. While I don't think that would be as psychologically scarring as Tony does, it would be odd.

Today, I received a package from my friend Kristen in Buffalo that contained not only my bridesmaid dress for her July wedding, but also some duckie gifts for the Bean. The outfits are adorable, unique, and larger sizes than currently exist in the Bean's wardrobe. So, we still haven't had any duplicates, and it seems safe to assume we will always have at least one duckie ensemble that will fit the Bean during his first year. Thanks Kris!

Kickin'

I've been feeling the Bean kick and punch, and something that seems like jumping jacks for a few weeks now. However, the movements haven't been strong enough for Tony to feel when he puts his hand on my belly.* There have been many false alarms where I grabbed him excitedly..."Can you feel that?"...but nothing else until Saturday.

While waiting for my grandparents to arrive for their surprise party, I was sitting on the couch when the Bean began to kick me in the arm. Usually I would feel 3 or 4 good kicks and then it would stop, but this time he was doing soccer drills on left side. I called Tony over and when he felt the first kick, his face lit up. Feeling movement is amazing, but it's so much better now that I can share it with Tony. It was the best early Father's Day gift.

Bean's soccer tournaments start each night when I go to bed like clockwork now. It's not painful, but the movements are definitely getting stronger...to the point where not only can they be felt on the outside of my belly...they can also be seen. It keeps getting wilder.

*Oddly enough, Kittenhead felt the Bean move on Friday when I collapsed on the bed for a nap after my 5th client meeting in a week. She curled up against my belly, and her ears perked up and she looked around the room when she felt the first kick. She knew I hadn't moved, but something was poking her. After about 3 kicks, she ignored it, and we both conked out until Tony got home from work.

coupon crazy

This weekend, I found something amazing in the paper--coupons for baby items we actually needed and had already decided to buy at Toys R Us/Babies R Us. After a full day of work and 2 client meetings, I headed out to the store coupons in hand. I picked up the travel play yard (formerly known as a playpen) and the breast pump (eek!), but they were already sold out of the stroller/car seat travel system. A clerk called the next nearest store in Manassas and they had 3 in stock, and they set one aside for me.

Next stop Manassas, but getting there during rush hour was no picnic, but I was on a mission so I didn't mind. While waiting for them to pull the travel system from the back warehouse, I discovered something wonderful and unexpected--a Sesame Street crib set. Tony and I had thought a Sesame Street or Muppets theme would be fun, but we hadn't seen any until now. And it still fits our duckie theme because Ernie is pictured holding his dear rubberduckie. It's funny too because Tony's always had an affinity for Ernie (and a striking resemblance), and now the Bean will be his duckie.

One more neat tie-in for the Sesame Street theme, is that we've pretty much decided on Henson as a middle name for the Bean, in tribute to the late, great Jim Henson.

All in all, I managed to save over $50 with my coupons which means the breast pump was free! It's a sure sign my life has changed when a free breast pump is exciting...

the cow goes moo

After the ultrasound on Wednesday, Tony and I celebrated with dinner at our favorite Greek/Italian restaurant and a trip to Babies R Us. On all previous "research trips" we left the store without making a purchase, but now we had a license to buy....and I admit to being more than a bit giddy.

We managed to restrict our purchases to the clothing department and picked out mostly the basics--onesies, sleep and plays, and other cutely named necessities. We both fell in love with this cow outfit (with matching blanket!), and it's a fitting tribute to Tony's Wisconsin heritage.

another look at Mr. Bean

Here's a helpful guide to reading the ultrasound.

the BIG ultrasound

Yesterday was the BIG ultrasound, the one everyone asks you about.

"Are you going to find out the gender?"

Our answer has been throughout, "If the tech can tell, sure we'd like to know, but if not, we won't be crushed."

Tony and I have both been so concerned about the general health of the baby and that was our main concern going in for the ultrasound. Tony was born with 3 holes in his heart and had a successful surgery to repair the defects when he was 10 years old. The doctors have told us that it is most likely not hereditary, but as a precaution in addition to the ultrasound we'll have a fetal echocardiogram done in the next 4-8 weeks.

The ultrasound was the standard fuzzy black and white type, and not one of the new 3D ones, but that did not reduce the awe factor one bit for us. At one point Tony and I said "Whoa" at the exact same time. It was when the tech moved the wand in such a way that we saw the entire side profile of the baby, displaying the skull, spine, and rib cage and the baby even moved to prove this was in fact real.

For me, seeing the movement was the best part because it assured me that the baby was happy and healthy and really, really there. My miscarriage messed with my head in so many ways, but the hardest part was thinking I had a little baby growing inside me, and when the ultrasound revealed nothing but growth that had arrested 2 weeks before, I felt betrayed and ashamed for being naively excited. So now, every reassurance I've been given, from the early ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, and now feeling movement are precious gifts of peace of mind and bursts of enthusiasm that I'd be otherwise too afraid to embrace.

Within minutes of beginning the ultrasound, the tech asked if we'd like to know the gender. We said yes, and he quickly announced we're having a baby boy. The ability to know the baby's gender before birth is still a relatively new option, and everyone seems to have an opinion about the right thing to do. I can honestly tell you that while I wouldn't have been upset if the baby was in the wrong position to be able to tell, learning the gender yesterday was wonderful. It gives you one more way of getting to know your baby just a little bit before he arrives.

The ultrasound went well overall. Everything was checking out, although the tech had some trouble looking at the heart. But since we'll have a special test just to view the heart, it wasn't a big concern. There was one more surprise for us though...the baby's measurements indicate that either I am about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks further along than was originally estimated or the baby is just big for 20 1/2 weeks. Since Tony and I are small people (only 3 apples high :-) I'm hoping I'm just further along.

20 weeks

My 20 week doctor appointment was surprisingly routine. Usually I get really nervous about 2 or 3 hours before hand, and this time I was doing fine...until I mentioned this was the first appointment when we had good weather. Every other appointment it was raining or snowing all day. Tony said he hoped it wasn't an omen, and wreck that I am, it freaked me out. I know, it's stupid and superstitious and all that, but when something is this important and fragile, it's hard not to overreact.

Once the good doctor came into the exam room I was fine. We heard the heartbeat right away. No chasing the baby around my abdomen this time, but it's getting a bit more crowded in there so there are fewer escape options. The cool part about the crowding is that I've begun to feel some of the baby's movements. Actually that started about 2 weeks ago, but I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was the baby or something else. The feeling was so subtle and not very frequent, so I could easily dismiss it as gas or other digestive rumblings. Now, there's no doubt. I feel the baby's more vigorous exercise sessions regularly in morning and at night. The movements aren't strong enough to be felt on the outside yet, but Tony keeps checking. I'm looking forward to that because it's amazing, and I want to share that with Tony.

pregnancy and work

Last week, I had my first important business meeting since I began to "show." It was with a brand new client whose business I've already won, and I was meeting with them to discuss the first project. Up to the this point, all of our contact had been over the phone or through email.

When you work from home the dress code is pajama casual so off-site meetings require a little wardrobe planning. Throw pregnancy into the mix and the fact that all of the maternity stores are carrying summer clothes while the temps hang in the mid 50s to 60s, and I had a real mess on my hands. I managed to pull together an outfit of prego charcoal gray dress pants and a top that was a bit too dressy, but at least had sleeves. The pants are the kind that go over your stomach in that unattractive, dumpy old man sort of way, but with a long top it's difficult to tell. The only trouble is they're still big on me, so the belly "pouch" sticks out further than my actual stomach, making me look bigger than I am.

So I go to the client meeting, and immediately I sense an uneasiness from the 2 women I was meeting with. While they both refused to acknowledge my condition directly, they kept making odd word choices. At one point, the topic turned to why there aren't more women engineers, and they concluded it's because women are too nurturing to be in engineering...but that women make great obstetricians. I don't know if they were unsure if I was pregnant and they wanted me to mention it, or if they were sure that I was, and it made them uncomfortable. Either way, I was there to discuss their logo job, so I tried to keep them on track.

In the end they seemed more urgent to get the project completed than the original schedule, and it may be that they thought I was going to have the baby before they had a logo. As I left the meeting, I thanked them for their time, and told them that I had enough information to begin the job...the last thing the client said to me was "let's get this baby started!" :)

fun day

Yesterday afternoon I played hooky with Annie. We've been able to catch up about once a month for the past few months which has been great. At first I always think I'm too busy to take the time off, but in the end I always have a ton of fun and I'm never as far behind when I get back to work as I thought I would be.

Annie surprised me at lunch with a bag of goodies for the bean. Tony and I had already decided on a ducky theme because it's one of Tony's many nicknames and it's a nice neutral yellow. Kittenhead has already shown a bit too much interest in the ducky rattle mittens (see photo). Annie is also my crafty buddy, and she made a super cool ducky bath hoodie towl. It's pretty ingenious. It's made up of one bath towel, a hand towel, and a wash cloth.

I asked Annie if her and Glen would be the bean's godparents. Tony and I had planned to ask them at dinner in a couple weeks, but I broke down yesterday because Annie and I were having so much fun. Annie started to shake and cry and there were lots of hugs. Already the bean is one lucky baby.

When I do triangle pose, I hear They Might Be Giants in my head.

I've been taking a prenatal yoga class at Health Advantage Yoga Studio for the past seven weeks, and it's been absolutely wonderful. My family and Tony's family looked at us like we were weirdos when we told them about the class, but that's because both families view anything that's different from what they remember during their own pregnancies as strange. What's amazing is how pregnancy has changed even in just the past 10 years, when ultrasound was rarely done and only if there was a problem, and doctors' attitudes about what is a healthy weight gain and exercise during pregnancy have also changed dramatically. Tony's mom was particularly surprised that I'm not supposed to drink caffeine especially since her refrigerator was stocked with soda.

Some of the "new thinking" is still a little fuzzy. The whole fish thing is really confusing. Basically it seems like fish can be very good for pregnant women but because of water pollution, many kinds of fish are not considered safe to eat. I've decided to just avoid all together...besides the smell isn't particularly appealing these days.

Anyhoo, if you've never taken yoga in a studio, I highly recommend it. I've taken classes before in gym settings, and enjoyed it, but a studio is so much better. The instructor doesn't have to drown out the techno bass coming from the aerobics studio next door, and the students are much more dedicated to the practice when they are paying for a separate class instead of just dropping in after a run on the treadmill.

My prenatal yoga class is taught by a woman who was also a labor and delivery nurse until the birth of her son last fall, so she has a lot to share with us about delivery scenarios along with her own labor experience. The students are all in different stages of their pregnancy, and it's a great place to get advice on remedies for aches and pains. I've learned about minor adjustments and breathing exercises that have honestly cured every minor ache I've had up to this point. I'm not expecting to be able to go into some painless yoga trance during labor, but I'll take what I can get!

19 weeks

I started taking a knitting class about a month ago because I've always wanted to learn, and I know I won't have any time to take classes after October. Plus, I'd love to be able to make a blanket for the bean...and maybe a cool scarf for myself.

Now that I've finally got my knit and purl straight, I decided to start the bean blanket. Yesterday, I played hooky from work and spent the day getting a jump start on the blanket. The first few rows are basic stockinette stitch, knit a row, purl a row, but I didn't realize it would curl as much as it did. So now I've switched to seed stitch, knit one, purl one, repeat. I'm not following any kind of pattern, because I don't have the attention span to count stitches. I don't think the bean will mind a plain, imperfect blanket, so I'm just having fun with it.

Oh, and the ultrasound is scheduled for June 4th which is less than 2 weeks away.

16 weeks

Tuesday, May 6, I had my 16 week appointment. We weren't as lucky finding the heartbeat this time, and it was nerve-wracking at first. It was for a good reason though, the little one was swimming all over the place, and the doc was literally chasing it from one side of my abdomen to the other. We'd hear it for a few seconds, and then it would be gone. The bean's definitely energetic and is enjoying the ever widening space I seem to be giving it. For the first 3 months, I gained a pound a month, but then I gained 3 lbs. in the third month! It's a little tough to see the numbers on the scale steadily climb, but it's a good sign that things are progressing well.

Blood was drawn for the AFP/triple screen test, and the results were back this week. Everything was negative, and that's a good thing. I've been less nervous about these tests than I have been about miscarriage. I'm finally beginning to feel more confident about the pregnancy, and seeing the physical signs in myself has made it harder to deny that this is real.

Before we left, the doctor wrote out a form for the BIG ultrasound. It's hard to believe we're almost to that point already. She recommended we wait until 21-22 weeks to have the ultrasound because there will be more to see by then. So we're looking at early June for the ultrasound, but I plan to call today to schedule it. My next doctor appointment is June 2.

quick post

I've been busily writing the K Art web site this morning before our trip to WI, but I want to make one quick post before I shut down for the day. Above is the pillow I made for my mom. It was my way of sharing the news with her, and it was the first project I did on my new sewing machine. The embroidery was done by hand though because I'm just not that sewing machine savvy yet. I had seen a pillow with this saying in a catalog, but it was expensive. I'm always up for a craft project, so I made my own. I'm glad I did because it's one of a kind!

I put the pillow on mom's bed at my grandparents' shore house the day before Easter. But when she arrived she was in such a tizzy bringing in packages and food, we had to force her to go to her room. I thought my grandmother was going to explode with the news she was getting so excited and frustrated.

still catching up

We shared the news with Tony's parents in our circle journey book. We shipped it FedEx because it was after all precious cargo, plus we wanted to know exactly when it was delivered. They received it on Good Friday (4/18). On one page we placed the 8 week ultrasound* shown above, and on the opposite page I wrote the following:

"In November a little life was lost. A new year, a new hope--a spark discovered in February. A flickering heartbeat first seen in March and first heard one week ago. A whirring whoosh at 150 beats per minute, my own a bass drum at half that rate, setting the rhythym. We're keeping the beat together, and I find comfort in that. We're now past the crucial 12 week mark and the estimated due date is October 15th."

*I've been lucky enough to have 3 ultrasounds total, one a week beginning at 6 weeks. I wasn't given a photo at the first one, and I didn't ask for one. It's remarkable though to see the amazing difference each week. Exponential growth is an a mere abstract concept until you see it with your own eyes.

our little secret

We shared the news with family over the Easter holiday, and with friends via a mass emailing on Monday. The only people that don't know are my sister who didn't show up or call for Easter and my high school friends who I don't know how to approach just yet.

I spent almost the whole day designing this site and fixing the bugs on work-in-progress, and now I've run out of time to post a proper update. I'll take some time this weekend to get caught up, and I hope to be posting here on a regular basis again.

second ultrasound

Last week's ultrasound went really well. Initially, we held our breath for what seemed like a long time while Dr. Patel searched. Looking at that blank screen was excruciating, but she did eventually find everything. Apparently, my tilted uterus poses a but of a challenge when it comes to ultrasound. The tiny sea monkey had been transformed into a 4-5mm tadpole, and the heartbeat was much more visible. Tony and I were both very happy and excited, though I'm still cautious and subdued. The bad news was we were in a minor accident on our way to the appointment. The parking lot at the apartment hadn't been plowed, and the other driver was driving too fast around a bend. A crashed up car is no fun, but thankfully no one was hurt, and our car is still driveable.

I decided to share this blog with Tony over the weekend. We went shopping on Saturday for something to celebrate the ultrasound. We bought a couple of bibs that I plan to use as a pattern for some creations of my own. I've got a bunch of old novelty fabric, and I think it would be a fun and easy way to try out my new sewing machine. I plan to make some for Elaine too.

I've got my 8-week appt and ultrasound this Thursday which will also include bloodwork and urinalysis. I've also got a prescription for neonatal vitamins now which I have to take on an empty stomach. That's a challenge, but I'm taking them at night before I go to bed. Our insurance denied coverage and also limited by prescription to 90 pills per refill. The prescription plan stinks, but I'm glad I've at least got insurance.

I did have my ultrasound last Friday afternoon while I put a significant dent in The Fellowship of the Ring. I was relieved to see something on the screen as opposed to my first ultrasound last November. I saw the sac but this time there was a white mass inside it. Dr Sweeney said that's the yolk, and it's a good sign. Above the sac and to the left she pointed to a tiny speck which she said is the baby, and she could see a heartbeat which looked fast enough. I tried to see where she was pointing, and I could kind of make it out, but it looked like the size of a sea monkey and the screen was a good 4-5 feet away. She did say that things might be a little smaller than expected, but she didn't seem too concerned. She was concerned about the spotting I've been having and told me she wants me off my feet as much as possible until my next ultrasound. She didn't give me a little photo to take home, but I didn't ask. I'm still afraid of getting my hopes too high.

That ultrasound is today. Tony's going with me this time. I haven't had any more spotting since Saturday and that wasn't significant and it was very dark brown, not red at all.

The nausea has continued with few breaks, but I'll take that as a good omen. Hopefully, we'll see more in the ultrasound today.

These days I'm not really into suspense.

I just got back from the doctor's office. I arrived at 12:20 for my 12:30 appt. I sat in the waiting area until 1, and then they called my name. They brought me back to the ultrasound room, and then asked me to come back at 2 or 2:30. My doctor was busy with a delivery...I thought it was odd that I hadn't heard her voice while I was waiting...and the delivery was taking longer than had been expected. So, I'm back home for the moment. I've had some lunch, and now it's nearly time to head back. It's about a 15 minute drive.

While there, Barbara asked me how things were going, and if I was alright. She thought it was strange that I hadn't called again yesterday, but she thought maybe I had spoken to one of the nurses. I told her I hadn't called because I haven't had much luck with my phone calls. She genuinely felt awful, which was not really my point, but I'm hoping my remarks will affect some changes there. They are too lax about returning calls, and the automated answering service might be a tad too convenient for them.

I left to pick up Tony after my last call to the doctor Wednesday night. When we got home there was a message from Carla at 5:30, saying she was leaving for the day and if I wanted to talk I'd have to call her in the next 2 minutes. It was after 6 when I got home. I was not happy.

Yesterday, no one called me. They didn't return my call, and they didn't even call to confirm my appt. for Friday. I didn't call them again, because it seemed pointless, and I hadn't experienced any more bleeding either.

I made a pit stop before we went out last night to have dinner with Calvin, and the blood had returned. I remained calm and I didn't tell Tony until after dinner. 4am this morning when I used the bathroom there was more, and it was steadier. The other times, it was a one-wipe deal, and that would be it. This time everytime I wiped there was more. I felt sick but fortunately I was exhausted enough to fall back to sleep. At 7am when I started my day, it had turned dark brown. I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.

My ultrasound is at 12:30. I'm going solo because Tony has too much going on today. I know he felt torn, but honestly, I don't mind going alone. There isn't much that would surprise me anymore, and there really isn't anything that can be done to help matters. I'm preparing for the worst news, and hoping that at least I'll get some news...even if it's bad. The worst case scenario right now would be to have the ultrasound and still not know what's happening. The waiting is absolutely awful.

I just called the doctor's office again because I had hoped to talk to someone before I have to pick up Tony. THEY'RE CLOSED. I can't believe they wouldn't return my call before the end of the day. I've kept my doctor because I like her so much, but I've had some really bad experiences with the nurses desk...but this is by far the worse.

I hate waiting.

I'm bleeding. The very light brown spotting from last week ended before the weekend, and I was beginning to get a excited about the ultrasound this Friday. Now my heart has all but stopped. It was such a shock to see it. It's much more than the spotting from last week and now it's brownish red...more red than brown. I've become a paranoid TP checker, like a lot of the women on the WebMD Pregnancy after Loss board. I feel okay, no pain or hints of something physically wrong. I don't know what to do.

Should I call my doctor? I don't think there's anything they could do about this anyway.

Okay, I've called the doctor and left the calmest message I could. I'm hoping I can at least move up my ultrasound to tomorrow because waiting is awful right now.

Last night I met Elaine at the gym for the first time since before the miscarriage. She's now 10 1/2 weeks along herself. She looks great, but she's looking forward to the end of the nausea. It was great to catch up with her. I decided to share my news with her, because she's one of the most understanding people I know. She was excited, but scared for me too. We got a lot off our chests, but we really need to catch up more often.

Today's news is my level is now over the crucial 2000 mark. I'm at 4074, so I've more than doubled in the past 48 hours. Tracy put me through to the front desk to set up my ultrasound appointment, but the earliest I can get in is Friday 2/21 at 12:30. I'll probably go solo so Tony doesn't have to miss work. I don't mind really. There's still a chance it might be too early to hear a heartbeat so he may not be missing anything. I'm feeling a bit better except for the fact I've started to have some very, very light spotting. It's brown, not red, and I first noticed it Monday night. I don't know if I'll ever really be relaxed.

In an effort to de-stress, I'm going to go to a yoga class tomorrow afternoon. I know it's good for my body, but I'm more interested in what it can do for my frazzled brains right now.

The last few days have been stressful. Monday at 4pm I called the doctor's office and left a message at the nurses desk twice. Upon my third call I finally reached a human being, Cary, who put me on hold, and then hung up on me. I called back and got the machine again. I was ready to cry. I was really shaken. I had waited patiently all day for my results, and by 5:30pm my nerves were shot. 15 minutes later I decided to dial the number for the receptionist's desk. The very kind officer manager, Barbara, sympathized with me, and looked for my results. It turns out Cary went home for the day after we were disconnected. I don't understand that. If you get disconnected, you should call the person back, and if they redial first, you should definitely answer the phone! Barbara put me through to another nurse Tracy who told me that my results from Friday weren't back yet. I just wish I could've found that out sooner.

I was such a wreck, that I finally told Tony the news when he got home Monday night. He was so kind and understanding. We went to the grocery store to buy another home pregnancy test so I could ease my mind. His feelings are similar to mine at this point, though I think he yearns to be more optimistic than I am. That's just part of who he is, and I love that about him.

Yesterday morning, I got the results from Friday and Monday's bloodwork. Cary mistakenly also gave me a result from December, which was only 2, and that had me temporarily freaked out. The good news is that Friday's number was 370, and Monday was 1437. It seems like it's increasing at the proper rate. I went back today to get stuck again, but I won't be expecting next-day results this time. Hopefully, my next number will be above 2000.

I decided to allow myself a little giddiness, and I went to Target. I bought a yellow receiving blanket with a duckie on it, and another yellow blanket, that has a duckies stitched in blind embroidery on it. I put them away in a drawer for now.