I did have my ultrasound last Friday afternoon while I put a significant dent in The Fellowship of the Ring. I was relieved to see something on the screen as opposed to my first ultrasound last November. I saw the sac but this time there was a white mass inside it. Dr Sweeney said that's the yolk, and it's a good sign. Above the sac and to the left she pointed to a tiny speck which she said is the baby, and she could see a heartbeat which looked fast enough. I tried to see where she was pointing, and I could kind of make it out, but it looked like the size of a sea monkey and the screen was a good 4-5 feet away. She did say that things might be a little smaller than expected, but she didn't seem too concerned. She was concerned about the spotting I've been having and told me she wants me off my feet as much as possible until my next ultrasound. She didn't give me a little photo to take home, but I didn't ask. I'm still afraid of getting my hopes too high.

That ultrasound is today. Tony's going with me this time. I haven't had any more spotting since Saturday and that wasn't significant and it was very dark brown, not red at all.

The nausea has continued with few breaks, but I'll take that as a good omen. Hopefully, we'll see more in the ultrasound today.

These days I'm not really into suspense.

I just got back from the doctor's office. I arrived at 12:20 for my 12:30 appt. I sat in the waiting area until 1, and then they called my name. They brought me back to the ultrasound room, and then asked me to come back at 2 or 2:30. My doctor was busy with a delivery...I thought it was odd that I hadn't heard her voice while I was waiting...and the delivery was taking longer than had been expected. So, I'm back home for the moment. I've had some lunch, and now it's nearly time to head back. It's about a 15 minute drive.

While there, Barbara asked me how things were going, and if I was alright. She thought it was strange that I hadn't called again yesterday, but she thought maybe I had spoken to one of the nurses. I told her I hadn't called because I haven't had much luck with my phone calls. She genuinely felt awful, which was not really my point, but I'm hoping my remarks will affect some changes there. They are too lax about returning calls, and the automated answering service might be a tad too convenient for them.

I left to pick up Tony after my last call to the doctor Wednesday night. When we got home there was a message from Carla at 5:30, saying she was leaving for the day and if I wanted to talk I'd have to call her in the next 2 minutes. It was after 6 when I got home. I was not happy.

Yesterday, no one called me. They didn't return my call, and they didn't even call to confirm my appt. for Friday. I didn't call them again, because it seemed pointless, and I hadn't experienced any more bleeding either.

I made a pit stop before we went out last night to have dinner with Calvin, and the blood had returned. I remained calm and I didn't tell Tony until after dinner. 4am this morning when I used the bathroom there was more, and it was steadier. The other times, it was a one-wipe deal, and that would be it. This time everytime I wiped there was more. I felt sick but fortunately I was exhausted enough to fall back to sleep. At 7am when I started my day, it had turned dark brown. I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.

My ultrasound is at 12:30. I'm going solo because Tony has too much going on today. I know he felt torn, but honestly, I don't mind going alone. There isn't much that would surprise me anymore, and there really isn't anything that can be done to help matters. I'm preparing for the worst news, and hoping that at least I'll get some news...even if it's bad. The worst case scenario right now would be to have the ultrasound and still not know what's happening. The waiting is absolutely awful.

I just called the doctor's office again because I had hoped to talk to someone before I have to pick up Tony. THEY'RE CLOSED. I can't believe they wouldn't return my call before the end of the day. I've kept my doctor because I like her so much, but I've had some really bad experiences with the nurses desk...but this is by far the worse.

I hate waiting.

I'm bleeding. The very light brown spotting from last week ended before the weekend, and I was beginning to get a excited about the ultrasound this Friday. Now my heart has all but stopped. It was such a shock to see it. It's much more than the spotting from last week and now it's brownish red...more red than brown. I've become a paranoid TP checker, like a lot of the women on the WebMD Pregnancy after Loss board. I feel okay, no pain or hints of something physically wrong. I don't know what to do.

Should I call my doctor? I don't think there's anything they could do about this anyway.

Okay, I've called the doctor and left the calmest message I could. I'm hoping I can at least move up my ultrasound to tomorrow because waiting is awful right now.

Last night I met Elaine at the gym for the first time since before the miscarriage. She's now 10 1/2 weeks along herself. She looks great, but she's looking forward to the end of the nausea. It was great to catch up with her. I decided to share my news with her, because she's one of the most understanding people I know. She was excited, but scared for me too. We got a lot off our chests, but we really need to catch up more often.

Today's news is my level is now over the crucial 2000 mark. I'm at 4074, so I've more than doubled in the past 48 hours. Tracy put me through to the front desk to set up my ultrasound appointment, but the earliest I can get in is Friday 2/21 at 12:30. I'll probably go solo so Tony doesn't have to miss work. I don't mind really. There's still a chance it might be too early to hear a heartbeat so he may not be missing anything. I'm feeling a bit better except for the fact I've started to have some very, very light spotting. It's brown, not red, and I first noticed it Monday night. I don't know if I'll ever really be relaxed.

In an effort to de-stress, I'm going to go to a yoga class tomorrow afternoon. I know it's good for my body, but I'm more interested in what it can do for my frazzled brains right now.

The last few days have been stressful. Monday at 4pm I called the doctor's office and left a message at the nurses desk twice. Upon my third call I finally reached a human being, Cary, who put me on hold, and then hung up on me. I called back and got the machine again. I was ready to cry. I was really shaken. I had waited patiently all day for my results, and by 5:30pm my nerves were shot. 15 minutes later I decided to dial the number for the receptionist's desk. The very kind officer manager, Barbara, sympathized with me, and looked for my results. It turns out Cary went home for the day after we were disconnected. I don't understand that. If you get disconnected, you should call the person back, and if they redial first, you should definitely answer the phone! Barbara put me through to another nurse Tracy who told me that my results from Friday weren't back yet. I just wish I could've found that out sooner.

I was such a wreck, that I finally told Tony the news when he got home Monday night. He was so kind and understanding. We went to the grocery store to buy another home pregnancy test so I could ease my mind. His feelings are similar to mine at this point, though I think he yearns to be more optimistic than I am. That's just part of who he is, and I love that about him.

Yesterday morning, I got the results from Friday and Monday's bloodwork. Cary mistakenly also gave me a result from December, which was only 2, and that had me temporarily freaked out. The good news is that Friday's number was 370, and Monday was 1437. It seems like it's increasing at the proper rate. I went back today to get stuck again, but I won't be expecting next-day results this time. Hopefully, my next number will be above 2000.

I decided to allow myself a little giddiness, and I went to Target. I bought a yellow receiving blanket with a duckie on it, and another yellow blanket, that has a duckies stitched in blind embroidery on it. I put them away in a drawer for now.

I managed to keep my lips sealed all weekend. It wasn't easy. Tony mentioned the fact that I had my period Saturday night, and he talked about trying again. It was clear he was a little sad and disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. I felt awful, but I still think it's best that I wait to get the results back from the bloodwork before I tell him anything. I don't feel any different. I feel "less pregnant" than I did last November. I don't have any signs other than the absence of my period. I just want to be sure before I get too excited.

I went to the doctor's office again this morning for another beta hCG. The results weren't back yet from Friday's bloodwork, so I'm trying to remain patient. I should have some information this afternoon, and tomorrow I'll know about today's bloodwork. Today the "pro" nurse took my blood. She's really good. I never felt anything when she's done it before, but this time it really hurt. She said my vein is still healing from all the poking in November and December. We might need to use a different vein soon because this one didn't want to stop bleeding once she got it started.

I hope I get a call soon. I'm getting anxious.

I just got back from the doctor's office. The nurse surprised me yesterday by scheduling an appointment for me for bloodwork. I thought I was going to make an appointment for the 8 week ultrasound again like I had done the last time. But she said I should come in and have the blood test to confirm the pregnancy.

The office people, nurses and my doctor were all very happy to see me, and that helped to quiet my nerves...a little. They're going to check my HcG levels, and I need to go back on Monday for another blood test so they can compare the two. Once my levels reach 2000, I'll have an early ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. I appreciate all that they are doing to closely monitor the pregnancy, but the tests and appointments are going to make it harder for me to keep my secret. I have a feeling I'll break sooner than I had planned. My arm hurts from the bloodwork, and if I bruise that will be impossible to explain.

How's this for a new low? I'm putting tampon wrappers in the bathroom trash so Tony will think I have my period. I'm sure he'll forgive me if this all goes well, and probably even if it doesn't.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage about four months ago, although I didn't find out until almost a month after it happened. I went for my first ultrasound, and there was nothing there to see. It was a powerful moment. Shock took over, and I was spared any tears until I was almost home.

Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It's a strange feeling. I should be elated, but the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me. I'm just scared now. I took a second test this morning to be sure. Once again, there were 2 pink lines. I've decided not to tell my husband until his birthday, 3/22. I don't want to get him too excited too soon. I need the confirmation of an ultrasound so that I may have the strength to say the news aloud.

We had decided we wanted to try again, but we weren't going to worry about fertile days and all that jazz this time. Ovulation charts made the initial trying...well trying. It was stressful and disappointing when Aunt Flo arrived each month. This time we were going to give up control, and let nature take its course. A miscarriage is a humbling experience. It teaches you that no matter how closely you follow the advice of experts and books, you really have no control over the outcome. If nothing else, it reinforces that life is a miracle.

I've got to call my doctor now and set up my first appointment...guess I'll have to share the news with someone...at the very least the appointment nurse.