...and now for the not-so-good stuff

First off, I consider myself extremely lucky to have been blessed with a happy, healthy baby. I also realize that I am fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband and doctors that I trust and genuinely like. So...I'm determined not to let the challenges that have been thrown my way distract or overshadow the incredible joy of this time.

That said, it turns out that headache I had before labor was significant. It was the first signs of Bell's palsy, a generally temporary form of facial paralysis caused by inflammation and swelling that surrounds a major nerve in my neck. It can take anywhere from a few weeks to several months to recover. In rare cases, it's permanent.

During labor, I was too preoccupied to pay attention to the pain in my neck, but after Cole was born, I noticed I was having trouble eating on the left side of my mouth. After 19 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with a clenched face, I blamed it on exhaustion.

In the morning, I realized the left side of my face was paralyzed and droopy. I couldn't blink my left eye. A neurologist examined me and ordered an MRI. In order to confirm the diagnosis, it's necessary to rule out scary scenarios like a stroke or brain tumors. The MRI was an interesting experience. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle the enclosed space, and claustrophobia and anxiety are common problems with the test. The mechanism and scans are so loud, I was given ear plugs. I put my deep yoga breathing to work, kept my eyes shut, and thought about Cole. "Wind" is blown through the tunnel which helped me to imagine myself in a larger space. I chose to picture Tony, Cole and I at the Boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. It was a breezy day, and every sound of the scan became the sound of the little train that circles the pavillion or the "laser guns" on the rocket ship ride. During the most intense and final scan, I was playing for the high score on Centipede and the bugs were dropping at super speed. I came through the test well, and the results confirmed the palsy which was a relief.

There isn't much that can be done to treat Bell's palsy. It just takes time. Steroids are sometimes effective, and so I'm taking a short course to try to reduce the swelling. It's relatively safe to take while breastfeeding, but I have to space out the doses creatively around Cole's nursing schedule. I took my last pill today, but I haven't had any improvement. Waiting is now the only option. I'm really hoping to recover by Christmas.

While the palsy can't be treated, the symptoms must be. I have to put drops and ointment in my eye to keep it from drying out, and wear a patch at night. I can only drink with the help of a straw, and eating is not a pretty sight. I have about the same amount of facial muscle control as my son. I hope to recover before he passes me up. The muscles that do work in my face tire quickly which make it hard to talk for very long, so Tony's been my spokesperson on the phone. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, but it's hard when I literally cannot smile. I know if it weren't for the palsy, I'd have a permanent grin right now.

Tony's smiles make up for the lack of mine. He's on cloud nine, and has been more than happy to field the phone calls and repeat the birth story over and over. He's been my chauffeur and errand boy, and that's been an enormous help. As I've said before, I'm very lucky...but I'm anxious to share my first smile with my son.